A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
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Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.