No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
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some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something