i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
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10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.