angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
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“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.