I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
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Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
If snakes were wide
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers