Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
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Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.