Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
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If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
Me driving through Toronto
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.