“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
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It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.