Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
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My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.