“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
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This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
7: I don’t want you to have any more babies
Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies
7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90