Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
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Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
If you drink five of those 5 Hour Energy drinks in one day you unlock the secret 25th hour and you also die
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣