[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
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Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
23. the denim jacket
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
just witnessed a drug deal
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅