[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
You Might Also Like
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
If only
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”