Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
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time for some seasonal decor
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
Bit chilly again tonight.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
I am having an out of money experience.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS