Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
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Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.