DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
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click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
How animals would run if they were human
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.