do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
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ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
This woman is my idol. Free her.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.