Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
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me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
How animals would run if they were human
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
Who.
Did.
This?
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around