Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
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Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
This is a bad sign
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner