Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
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No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks