A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
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I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
Every full moon my house turns into a storage facility. It’s a werehouse.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times