could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
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Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!