Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
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I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.