worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
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I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.