I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
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Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
they put new cement in the entire entrance to my apartment and said i couldn’t leave for an hour so i climbed the wall to the next yard ran thru it and climbed over the fence on the other side and i’ve never seen 3 grown men look that freaked out in my life
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.