[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
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If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
Mood.. 😂