Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
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Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.