If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
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[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
Shark week, but for squirrels.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
I have never related to a cat more
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.