The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
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“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
(more comics:
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
A leaf blower, but for people.
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
Raisins are grape jerky.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.