A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
You Might Also Like
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
c’mon!
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!