DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
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Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”