My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
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Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
The three genders
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then