This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
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#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.