I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
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My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
58.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is