Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
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You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.