Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
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[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
Cake!!
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.