Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
You Might Also Like
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake