Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
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As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
Deer are just ballerina dogs
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
This anagram machine is out of order.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.