I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
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Is anyone gonna tell them?
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
It’s the weekend y’all
Still my favourite meme.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.