I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
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I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
You got this…
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.