I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
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Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”