“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
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My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
My purse is deeper than some people.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.