I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
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[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can鈥檛 have both.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I鈥檓 here & they鈥檙e not so
Brain: so we鈥檙e walking cos I put them in there & if they鈥檙e not there then they鈥檙e lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.馃槀
Spent a summer in Rome, so I鈥檓 fluent in dropping that into conversation
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where鈥檇 I put coffee?
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That鈥檚 Murray…He鈥檚 my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this