I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
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One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*