poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
You Might Also Like
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
and this one
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money