for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
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I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.