If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
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“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
Saw online –
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”