Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
You Might Also Like
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
Love it! 👍😂
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER