They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
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[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.