I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
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your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Your honor these allegations are
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.